Thursday, 27 November 2008

People in Glasshouses


We had a rather intersting day yesterday. Lewis and I were placed in the camp yard for 'eeblueshuns' as father calls it. We were rather impressed with the perimter fence until we discovered that by placing Lewis's more than substantial a**e against it, the whole thing flops and bends like limp cardboard. ( Talk about Jerry built). Sadly Lewis has the IQ of a damp Boneo biscuit so it takes some time to realise what is actually required. Anyhow we were allowed out for prisoner association and we promptly flopped over fence and made good our escape. Lewis looked a little stunned and decided to lie in the grass,fart and lick his bum. I managed to convince him the severity of the situation as the main guard was heading toward us. Undeterred we made good our escape toward the greenhouse. As we neared this building on the oustkirts of the camp I noticed there was a terrible comotion inside. Tools were being sent flying plants were shaking and windows were being banged. The gaurd (father) shouted "BURGLARS." He ran back to the main camp looking rather exciteable. Now given his association with law enforcement I imagined he would emerge with a variety of weapons from expandable batons, to CS gas to handcuffs. No................. he emerged holding a rolling pin.     

He overtook us heading straight for the 'burglars' in  the greenhouse. As he reached the door he raised his baton (rolling pin) in the approved manner and shouted "Police." Sadly the two grey squirrels fightying inside the greehouse did not understand this. One lept at him whilst the other continued trashing the greenhouse. He screamed like a small child, dropped the rolling pin on his toe ( left exposed by the flip flop hanging on the cardboard fence). His attention then turned to Lewis & I.
He muttered something about " Oh the dogs, squirrels, rabies, mad cow disease, bird flu etc " and promptly picked up us both and dunped us in the compound. He collected his flip flop and returned to the greenhouse. So did Lewis and I ( fence REALLY is hopeless). Second squirel now mounts roof of greenhouse blows a raspeberry at Father and makes good his escape.   


Had brill day. Me and Monty escaped and dad chased some rabbits with big tails. Dad said we might get 'babies' from them and was very cross. Found some of their poo, it tastes like hazelnuts. Cool. Monty makes me sleep on the fence and it falls over. He Heh ! Dad chased the rabbits with  stick thing and thought they were burgers or somat. See yah soon , gotta go and see a German fella who puts needles in me bum. 

Wednesday, 19 November 2008

His Masters Voice


The Boys have allowed me a slot in their Blog.Ithink its' important, especially if you are about to obtain a Basset, or Bassay as the hounds prefer me to call them. The Boys are not my first Bassays but it is some time since I have had an ASBO s, sorry pup. ( For any international readers an ASBO means Anti Social Behaviour Order - they are imposed by the Courts to restrict the lives on others who create havoc in one form or another). Says it all really.
Being a glutten for punishment I have two Bassay Asbo's ( sorry Boys). My day goes something like this:


Boys go to bed, faces of angels, much cooing and 'aaaahhing.'
Boys cuddle up and nuzzle each other.
Boys snore and generally smooch each other. Again aaaaaaaaaaaahhhh, bless.
Boys stir
Boys get up ( start recording programme I am watching knowing I will miss it otherwise )
Have the Rolls Royce of puppy pee pads on floor.
Lewis gets up wanders to front door pees on rug - 12 feet from pad.
Me " Oh bugger"
Lewis " Heh heh"
Monty gets up.
I get mop.
Monty eats mop.
Lewis laughs so much pees again.
Mop floor with Monty attached to mop.
Monty laughs.
Monty pees on floor.
Both boys now attached to mop.
Return mop to bucket (back turned).
Monty poos in kitchen.
Lewis poos in my slipper.
Monty laughs.
Lewis laughs and stands in poo in my slipper, runs off.
Monty chases and slips in poo stepped in by Lewis and spread to floor
I have a drink.
Place Bassays in garden.
Clean up poo, can't wear my slippers ( cos of poo) slip in poo in bare feet.
Bassys back (now muddy) laugh at poo in bewteen my toes.
Bassays step in water bowl, mud now liquidised. 
Boys go back to bed, I scrape poo out of slipper, change water in mop bucket, clean floor, change boys water wipe their paws. Boys asleep.
I make cofffee sit down boys get up, boys pee etc etc !

I am however trying my best to instill some discipline and training in the household. Today the Kray twins learnt that they can completely ignore me.

Me " Okay you are really good boys, SIT."
Lewis " Is he talking to us?"
Monty" Bloody hope not"
Lewis " Shall we mooch into bathroom and empty the bin?"
Monty " Jolly good idea, you get used loo roll, I'll get the old Bic razor that'll REALLY scare him"
Me " Boys do you want a treat?"
Lewis " Do you reckon its on of them dry old things?"
Monty " Yeah, lets go and lick the shower cubicle instead"
Lewis "Can I do the toliet bowl?"
Monty "My pleasure."

Phone goes.

Me " Hello"
Caller "How are the dogs."
Me "They are fantastic, SUCH good boys!"

BUT.... and its a very BIG but. They are fantastic, funnier than a funny thing and as my mate Pete calls them, they are "COMEDY DOGS!"

Tuesday, 18 November 2008

The Cooler Kings

Well construction is complete. Father has installed a perimeter fence that has completely foiled any attempt at escape. It is absolutely huge, I would say at least 8 inches high. I peer through at once was. The plants, the trees and the leaves. I am hoping that I may get a work detail to collect wood from 'the outside.' Failing that I have started 'Tom, Dick and Harry.' I 'm having some problems with the soil but I find that shuffling it to one side with my ears is starting to pay dividends. Food remains much the same and any attempt at bribing the guards has so far proved fruitless. I received one parcel into the hut but was disappointed to find that it was in fact "A bloody Bill."  Or that was what father called  it. I thought it was very helpful of Monty and I to open it but apparentely he thought otherwise. Monty and I desperately need wood for 'shoring up.' We have decided to utilise a wooden chair in the main hut. Sadly it is taking some time to take apart and is made more difficult by the guards constantly re-positioning us and shouting "leave it." We are collecting anything we can to aid our escape. We will obviously need disguises. I intend to dress as german Sheperd to confuse the guards. So far we have two odd socks, a blanket, an old slipper and a tea towel.  Monty is working on the dye, but the only colours he can muster at present are yellow and brown. Must go guards coming.................... .


Day 1 - Camp Hound.

Cave has finished open prison. Pushed my hooter at various points but it just won't give. Tried to get matey with guards but they 're havin' none of it. Godber (Lewis) is still sharing a Peter with me. Managed to hide a tin of pineapple chunks and a tin of shoe polish but thats it at the mo.' Got hauled in front of the Guvnor yesterday for what he called an "in see dent." Apparently SUM ONE has removed a UB40 album from the prison library and returned it damaged. I reckon i've bin grassed and told Guv so. He was 'avin none of it and naffing confined me to me bed. So far i've 'ad me bleedin priv liches removed and reduced to 3 good boy snacks a day.
Two weeks and a jab to parole !!!.......................................................

Sunday, 16 November 2008

Young Lewis

Me (Lewis) when I was a pup.






Father has decided that a small fence and light shingle area would be appropriate. Yesterday we remained in the garden for some considerable period of time, whilst he made several journeys to the car. He collected a variety of products that I suspect may be involved in the construction of some sort of hound camp. I decided that it would be very helpful to show my approval by urinating on any and all items placed on the ground. Father seemed a little perturbed by this and said something about us being “little bar stands.”

Both parents introduced a rather simple game during the day. Mother has collected a tub of rather dry ‘treats.’ I use the term loosely as they taste somewhat akin to a toe nail left out in the sun. When she feels the need to call or otherwise attract our attention she rattles the toe nails and calls in a rather alarmingly high pitched voice. I am given to understand that I should then waddle in her general direction like some grounded racing pigeon and accept said ‘reward’ (toe nail). I allowed her one or two of these ‘come to mummy’ then I frankly got bored. I found a rather attractive clump of bamboo and decided to catch forty winks.



Cave put us in the garden yesterday. He also brought loads of bags of little stones. I think he is building an open hound prison. He got fence things, wood and everything. Lewis said we had a relative die in a similar camp. Apparently he fell out of the watch tower. Cave put stones down for ages. I had a proper mooch. Managed to find a peg, loads of leaves, a piece of carrier bag, twigs, a tent peg ,pair of the old man’s y-fronts that had come off the line, a flip flop, old firework and a  bamboo cane.  They all tasted minging. Funny though, he wouldn’t let me eat any of ‘em. I did manage to stand in one of me bruv’s poos and wipe it off on dad’s trousers. Mum said he wasn’t allowed in the house.

I  also now have a brilliant new game. Its’ called “find a plant that mum really likes and lie down it till it goes all weak and wobbly and probably won’t eva grow again game.” So far I’ve done it to a Bampoo plant an Arthur choke plant and one Mum called “get off little s**t plant.” The best bit is when we get picked up and re-located. This is really clever  ‘cos it actually saves me walking to the next one.

Mum has started rattlin’ a little pot when we are in the garden. I dunno wot its’ all about but when I go and have a look I get a little eaty thing.  I am training Mum really well.

I am hoping that I will have trained them both soon cos neither are pooin’ in the garden yet!

Life begins at naughty

Diary of Bassets Lewis & Monty



Well we arrived safely after a bit of a journey from Mum’s. New parents car was the first thing that struck me. Bit small, only a two seater. Sat on Mum's lap all the way to Barking. No sorry Lancing. She had a very fluffy blue blanket that smelt vey new. Felt a bit girly so I peed in it. ‘Course my puffy bruv thought it was great and wasn’t very happy with me peeing on it. Said somefing ‘bout street cred’ and girls. He is such a drama queen. Tried to shove him onto car floor but old lardy arse wouldn’t budge. Managed to bite his left ear but Amy separated us. She is clearly gonna be trouble. The old fella didn’t say much but I suppose he was driving. Seems alright. Looks like a big version of Will and smells a bit, but we ll see how he goes. Lewis thinks he might have seen him with Status Quo but I thought he looked too young. Think his name is Cave or something.


New folks arrived in early model Honda CRX. Sadly it was only the 1600 model but still has a removable roof. Fantastic, can’t wait to feel the wind in my ears. Amy brought a simply delightful blue blanket which smelt terribly new. New father dressed rather casually I thought and looked a bit wild. I am confident I can tame him ( I am sure I saw him in Status Quo).

Uneventful journey other than Monty Python misbehaving. He tried the old nudge him on the car floor trick. I managed to avoid this, he did however manage a half volley ear nip. Didn’t hurt and told him so.



Arrived at new gaff. One of them bingalows. Tried to escape and have a mooch but Mum too good for me. Good prospects out front for going to ground and or plant chewing. Clocked neighbours both sides, both old biddies, gotta be good poo value. Both looked tidy. When I get day release looking forward to leaving couple of ‘Basset parcels’ heh he. One came out to say hello so I gave my best ‘oooh I’m so sad and scared look.’ She completely bought it – I am SO good. Should have an Ekwitty Card but can’t spell it yet.

Got in. Nice round WHITE rug in hall. Can you believe it WHITE ?! Lewis ran straight in so I gave the rug the good news with a Basset Poo island. Two Basset (sorry bedrooms) and massive garden at back. Seriously chuffed.

Got a wicked bed – only downside ‘course is that I gotta share it with his Lordship Lord Lewis of Poodown or whatever he calls himself.

Food same as home really but water tastes a bit funny. Lewis said sumffin bout it bein’ hard water. He is SO stupid how can water be hard? Duh.

Got bit humpy with food bowls. Mum and Cave have given him the green one. I get a red one. I want the green one, he wants the green one and won’t swap. I try and take green one Cave says no. Oooooh Cave you are so tuff. Peed on kitchen floor. Given up on the bowl swapping.

Garden great. I have tried most of the foalee arge but hairy boy keeps plonking me in different bits of the garden. Found a WICKED pile of leaves, taste lousy but make brilliant noise. Even Lewis likes them.

Got a special trick at nite. Gives old Cave man the frighteners. Goes like this. Go out “ ooh I m SO ready for poo.” Head for bush and stand really really still. Hairy boy thinks I’ve escaped calls Police helicopter and runs about shouting in very odd high pitched voice. He is gonna be such good value. Wimp.

Found a Boney M album. Chewed it, hairy boy didn’t seem too bothered. Had a butchers at collection. Found one called UB40 or summat. Had a little taster. That hit the mark. Hairy boy had to put them up higher. Couple more tripe specials and I’ll still get em.

Neighbour is a Collie called Charlie. Seen him thru fence. He has the most wickedest collar. He has invited me over for a BBQ leftover do in the Summer.

Laters, gotta go and annoy Lewis.


Arrived finally. Home is a delighful 1930’s cottage style bungalow. Small garden at the front but I am told by father that the beach is rather close. Met a neighbour she seemed rather nice “Glo.” Sounds like a cleaning product doesn’t it? I did not say this of course, one most keep up first impressions. Rather simple decor enhanced by kwirky lighting in most rooms. Father did mutter something about ‘bloody lights.’ But he was trying not to be heard by Mum.

Boudoir is a very large fleecy lined affair, I would say circa 2006 late stock. Probably got it cheap but remarkably warm and comfortable. Bedtimes slightly marred by Monty farting in my ear constantly.

Expansive garden at rear predominantly grass with a small vegetable patch and greenhouse at the bottom. Delightful spray of herbs at rear door and a small pond (plastic pot with water in it). Little disappointed as rather muddy underfoot but I’ll manage.

Neighbour appears to be a Collie. Plump individual with a Burberry collar, barked with a cockney accent. I think he may be one of those Lavs or is it Chavs. I am told he has an ASBO which prevents him entering any licensed premises. Anyhow exchanged pleasantries and discussed a possible evening affair.

I simply must close, apparently I need to be photographed with Monty.

The Vet


Me and bruv rocked up with Amy and Cave. Boy did I lay it on thick. “ Oooh I’m so scared etc etc etc.” Vet came out.

He speaks well funny “ Vot iz your name.” I said “Don’t tell him Pike” Nobody got it. Vet “ So mine little friend let me check you and put you on ze scales” I told lardy arse Lewis they’d need a bigger set for him. Cave and Mum looked like kids late with their homework. Vet “ So you must have zee special ear liquid mit zee load of cobblers in it. Nothing esle vill do.”

Cave & Mum “ YES WE MUST HAVE ZEE LIQUID MIT ZEE ............” I think Herr Flick hypnotised them.

Vet “ £97.50 pleaze. Cave & Amy “ Can we have anything else pleaze at ridiculous prices?”

If Herr Flick had said “ Yes you must have zees special leather basset booties imported from zee Fatherland.” I would have been the first Basset in Sussex to wearing brogues.

Got worm stuff that Cave gave me. Tasted like the inside of Lewis’s ear. Minging. Why would zee vet give us somfing with worms in it? Humans are funny people.

Anyhooooo will write soon UB40 are on. Heh heh.


We had medical check up Monday. Delightful chap, may have been Swiss. He had a charming manner about him but was a little disappointed that he had not warmed his hands before counting a rather intimate part of me and announcing proudly; “ Is Gut, mein friend has two.” I shall spare ladies the details.

Father & Mother purchased some rather appropriate Basset perfumery and cleansing toiletries. I can hardly wait I am beginning to smell like Monty.

I look forward to staying in touch. Must rush dinner is being served in the galley. I am given to understand that Wagu beef and tripe are on tonight.

Lots of love

L & M xx