Diary of Bassets Lewis & Monty
Well we arrived safely after a bit of a journey from Mum’s. New parents car was the first thing that struck me. Bit small, only a two seater. Sat on Mum's lap all the way to Barking. No sorry Lancing. She had a very fluffy blue blanket that smelt vey new. Felt a bit girly so I peed in it. ‘Course my puffy bruv thought it was great and wasn’t very happy with me peeing on it. Said somefing ‘bout street cred’ and girls. He is such a drama queen. Tried to shove him onto car floor but old lardy arse wouldn’t budge. Managed to bite his left ear but Amy separated us. She is clearly gonna be trouble. The old fella didn’t say much but I suppose he was driving. Seems alright. Looks like a big version of Will and smells a bit, but we ll see how he goes. Lewis thinks he might have seen him with Status Quo but I thought he looked too young. Think his name is Cave or something.
New folks arrived in early model Honda CRX. Sadly it was only the 1600 model but still has a removable roof. Fantastic, can’t wait to feel the wind in my ears. Amy brought a simply delightful blue blanket which smelt terribly new. New father dressed rather casually I thought and looked a bit wild. I am confident I can tame him ( I am sure I saw him in Status Quo).
Uneventful journey other than Monty Python misbehaving. He tried the old nudge him on the car floor trick. I managed to avoid this, he did however manage a half volley ear nip. Didn’t hurt and told him so.
Arrived at new gaff. One of them bingalows. Tried to escape and have a mooch but Mum too good for me. Good prospects out front for going to ground and or plant chewing. Clocked neighbours both sides, both old biddies, gotta be good poo value. Both looked tidy. When I get day release looking forward to leaving couple of ‘Basset parcels’ heh he. One came out to say hello so I gave my best ‘oooh I’m so sad and scared look.’ She completely bought it – I am SO good. Should have an Ekwitty Card but can’t spell it yet.
Got in. Nice round WHITE rug in hall. Can you believe it WHITE ?! Lewis ran straight in so I gave the rug the good news with a Basset Poo island. Two Basset (sorry bedrooms) and massive garden at back. Seriously chuffed.
Got a wicked bed – only downside ‘course is that I gotta share it with his Lordship Lord Lewis of Poodown or whatever he calls himself.
Food same as home really but water tastes a bit funny. Lewis said sumffin bout it bein’ hard water. He is SO stupid how can water be hard? Duh.
Got bit humpy with food bowls. Mum and Cave have given him the green one. I get a red one. I want the green one, he wants the green one and won’t swap. I try and take green one Cave says no. Oooooh Cave you are so tuff. Peed on kitchen floor. Given up on the bowl swapping.
Garden great. I have tried most of the foalee arge but hairy boy keeps plonking me in different bits of the garden. Found a WICKED pile of leaves, taste lousy but make brilliant noise. Even Lewis likes them.
Got a special trick at nite. Gives old Cave man the frighteners. Goes like this. Go out “ ooh I m SO ready for poo.” Head for bush and stand really really still. Hairy boy thinks I’ve escaped calls Police helicopter and runs about shouting in very odd high pitched voice. He is gonna be such good value. Wimp.
Found a Boney M album. Chewed it, hairy boy didn’t seem too bothered. Had a butchers at collection. Found one called UB40 or summat. Had a little taster. That hit the mark. Hairy boy had to put them up higher. Couple more tripe specials and I’ll still get em.
Neighbour is a Collie called Charlie. Seen him thru fence. He has the most wickedest collar. He has invited me over for a BBQ leftover do in the Summer.
Laters, gotta go and annoy Lewis.
Arrived finally. Home is a delighful 1930’s cottage style bungalow. Small garden at the front but I am told by father that the beach is rather close. Met a neighbour she seemed rather nice “Glo.” Sounds like a cleaning product doesn’t it? I did not say this of course, one most keep up first impressions. Rather simple decor enhanced by kwirky lighting in most rooms. Father did mutter something about ‘bloody lights.’ But he was trying not to be heard by Mum.
Boudoir is a very large fleecy lined affair, I would say circa 2006 late stock. Probably got it cheap but remarkably warm and comfortable. Bedtimes slightly marred by Monty farting in my ear constantly.
Expansive garden at rear predominantly grass with a small vegetable patch and greenhouse at the bottom. Delightful spray of herbs at rear door and a small pond (plastic pot with water in it). Little disappointed as rather muddy underfoot but I’ll manage.
Neighbour appears to be a Collie. Plump individual with a Burberry collar, barked with a cockney accent. I think he may be one of those Lavs or is it Chavs. I am told he has an ASBO which prevents him entering any licensed premises. Anyhow exchanged pleasantries and discussed a possible evening affair.
I simply must close, apparently I need to be photographed with Monty.
Me and bruv rocked up with Amy and Cave. Boy did I lay it on thick. “ Oooh I’m so scared etc etc etc.” Vet came out.
He speaks well funny “ Vot iz your name.” I said “Don’t tell him Pike” Nobody got it. Vet “ So mine little friend let me check you and put you on ze scales” I told lardy arse Lewis they’d need a bigger set for him. Cave and Mum looked like kids late with their homework. Vet “ So you must have zee special ear liquid mit zee load of cobblers in it. Nothing esle vill do.”
Cave & Mum “ YES WE MUST HAVE ZEE LIQUID MIT ZEE ............” I think Herr Flick hypnotised them.
Vet “ £97.50 pleaze. Cave & Amy “ Can we have anything else pleaze at ridiculous prices?”
If Herr Flick had said “ Yes you must have zees special leather basset booties imported from zee Fatherland.” I would have been the first Basset in Sussex to wearing brogues.
Got worm stuff that Cave gave me. Tasted like the inside of Lewis’s ear. Minging. Why would zee vet give us somfing with worms in it? Humans are funny people.
Anyhooooo will write soon UB40 are on. Heh heh.
We had medical check up Monday. Delightful chap, may have been Swiss. He had a charming manner about him but was a little disappointed that he had not warmed his hands before counting a rather intimate part of me and announcing proudly; “ Is Gut, mein friend has two.” I shall spare ladies the details.
Father & Mother purchased some rather appropriate Basset perfumery and cleansing toiletries. I can hardly wait I am beginning to smell like Monty.
I look forward to staying in touch. Must rush dinner is being served in the galley. I am given to understand that Wagu beef and tripe are on tonight.
Lots of love
L & M xx