Monday, 4 July 2011

Life in the fast lane.

I am often told that Lewis and Monty are ‘real characters.’ They definitely have minds of their own and like to do their own thing. I try and take them on different walks as they are interested in new scents and are not particularly fussed whether it is the countryside or an ‘urban mooch.’ Invariably they will dictate the direction and any attempt to change that direction results in a Basset sit in. They lie fully prone (usually together) and basically refuse to move. A gentle shove on their rear end with the flat of my foot occasionally prompts a restart, but nine times out of ten I relent and follow meekly their chosen path. Bearing in mind they are four stone each and about 17 feet long, this is the only way I can get home at a reasonable hour.  

I actually like this. I like the fact that they think for themselves and stick stubbornly to their plans. They do their own thing and express themselves in their own way.

I watched a Collie the other day. It continually fetched a tennis ball launched by it’s owner from one of those plastic ball slingers. Running flat out it retrieved the ball returning to it’s master’s feet at exactly the same spot. It would sit looking adorably at her waiting for the next launch. This was roughly at about the same time that Lewis and Monty had mooched off to look at some fox poo, glancing back at me shouting red faced for them to return. Collie’s owner and master was dressed in combat pants (with those big pockets on the thighs), hiking boots, a green fleece and carried a small leather bum bag that probably carried all possible canine related items. Conversely, I was wearing a T shirt that said on the front “ who the F*** is Harry Potter?” (It was the only clean one I could find at the time), shorts and flip-flops. My dog poo collection bags were a variety of old carrier bags that were bulging and flapping from my back pocket and Lewis and Monty’s new collars were emblazoned with skull and crossbones (I loved the irony of this, given how wimpy they both are).

I paused for a moment and thought to myself  ‘what on earth must she think?’ I carried on watching Collie dog. Yes, he or she was impeccably trained. It probably drove it’s owner home, stopping on the way to buy organic eggs for the soufflé it would make for her when they got home. It was a very clever dog. It was also a very BORING dog! I looked at my two completely ignoring me. They were ecstatic they had found the fox poo. Lewis had an extra bonus, he also found an old plastic drinks bottle that he defiantly refused to bring to me.

I thought about all those other breeds that drive cars, fly helicopters and the like. Boring, boring boring. I don’t care that you’re Labrador can swim seventeen miles to retrieve a rubber ball that it delivers to you’re feet after a back flip followed by a triple camel jump, its boring! 

Other boring breeds include:~

Spaniels – yes they can scent a ping pong ball concealed somewhere in a South American rain forest and return to you after finding it’s own way home after a 1500 mile trek. Sadly they are also boring.

Retrievers – their name says it all. Boring.

This takes me nicely onto the latest fad. ‘Marrying’ two breeds to become a wholly new breed, a la:-
Labradoodle, Cairnoodle etc. These are often referred to as ‘Mixed breed’ or ‘Hybrid breeds.’ The correct terminology is in fact MONGREL! Mongrels are NOT boring. They are great dogs full of character and no two look the same. By giving your MONGREL a made up name you have immediately fallen into the boring trap. 

I think we have generally entered a period of world boredom. We actively discourage anything that might be out of the ordinary or different and positively encourage the safe and indifferent. I was forced to watch some of Wimbledon recently. The bits with that Scottish/British bloke (has he decided yet?) played tennis. Murray I think his name is. He is so boring he couldn’t even think of things to say by himself. He basically cut and paste comments made by others from Twitter (yawn), which he glued on his PE bag. Crikey, he is MAD eh?  A regular loony….AND… for two or three days he didn’t even shave. He is the Retriever of the sports world.

In 2010 they made a jockey a ‘Sports’ personality of the year. Horse racing is not a sport. It is just really small blokes hanging onto a horse for as long as they can. All this whilst really fat blokes bet money on which nag will come first. How on earth as a nation did we make one of these really small people a ‘personality?’ He is not. He and the entire ‘sport’ is boring. All jockeys are really small and really boring. They are like Shih Tzus. Small and boring.

We do not like people who are different and outspoken. They might upset the boredom applecart. Lewis Hamilton has won 52 Grand Prix. He drives at about a million miles an hour and he and the other drivers are milliseconds from death at every race. Lewis overtakes everyone and in 2008 he was a world champion. He does an Ali G impression and we as a nation decide he is a nasty man. He is not. He is a character who occasionally says daft things. So what. My Lewis is named after him. 

Lewis is a character and may just be a Basset Hound. He does his own thing but we love him! 

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