Yesterday we were taken to a local RSPCA dog show. We were bundled into the back of the old Volvo after a wash and brush up. I say wash and brush up, what actually happened is that we were sprayed with some bizarre smelling liquid that came out of a red bottle with a picture of a cartoon dog emblazoned upon it. We were then brushed and told “don’t we look nice.” Lewis smelt like a cross between a dishwashing tablet and a gent’s urinal (you know, them blue cube things). He also scratched continually during the journey making napping difficult. Just as I was nodding off a large paw would strike me repeatedly about 76 times on the back of the head. Shuffling as far as I could from him I curled into a corner of the Volvo boot. Lewis had decided at this point that he would rather sit up and look out of the back window. He seemed to enjoy small children pointing at him from passing cars. Lewis also enjoyed pulling faces at van drivers that came up behind us.
Arriving at the rain sodden field we were hoisted out of the car onto the grass. We marched (I think deliberately) past an open van with cages in the back. Two smug looking Collies gazed out at us from Rosette adorned doors. I actually felt quite embarrassed that the owner’s felt the need to display a myriad of rosettes when it was quite obvious their dogs were simply going to stay in their cells all day. To reinforce our thoughts Lewis and I pissed against their rear tyres. Rosettes………pah.
I am fairly confident that the only reason we were there was that the RSPCA programme suggested that Simon Cowell, ‘had turned up unexpectedly at previous events.’ Yeah right. Elvis Presley drove him there in a space ship. When will you humans learn? Hero worship. The only thing Lewis & I worship is roast chicken in a light ‘jus.’ If he was there I didn’t see him, I feel confident that if he had of been he would have stopped to talk to us. I’ve watched that X-Factor. The animal acts seem to consist of some old bird dancing really badly whilst their Collie dogs shag their leg. All this whilst wearing some sparkly top that was bought at Primark for £3.79. If that’s talent I’m a Dachshund.
Dad kept moaning about ‘having no breakie,’ and made a beeline for the BBQ stand. Lewis and I were keen to follow closely. We rarely get human nosh other than the odd cold pea mixed with the usual dog food. I was sure though that the old man would take pity on us both given the weather and hand down a morsel of ‘banger’ to us both. I could almost taste that local pork sausage cooked ‘en terrace’ with that sweet smoky flavour. Alternatively, a bit or burger, sizzling, yet slightly pink in the middle. I was drooling. Arriving at the stand dad stood motionless and in shock for about 3 hours He said summat about ‘effing veggies,’ and we were unceremoniously dragged away for a ’99.’ There were 979 dogs on that field. All of us being confirmed carnivores. In fact if it has blood in it we’ll it eat. I don’t care if it has a face or not. Chuck it my way and I’ll sort it. Can you imagine wolves tucking into a hunk of Tofu thrown to the starving pack? Have you ever heard of a Husky turning his or hers nose up at a frozen lump of seal blubber and opting for a nice nut crunch instead? Have you bollocks. My brother and me had to make do with some old biscuit dad found stuck to a boiled sweet in his coat pocket. Thanks very much RSPCA, Veggie BBQ stand? You were having a laugh.
There were some positives though. Dad entered some tombola thing for about 97 quid and won a second hand Teddy that smelt like baby wee. Lewis and I ate it anyway much to the disgust of the small child who handed it over. I suspect that she thought it might have been some night-time bed toy.
We did have a good day despite the set backs meeting all manner of breeds. We met one of them Basset things. Funny looking bugger. It was about 6 inches high and had ears 9 feet long. Who on earth would want one of those?