Wednesday, 4 March 2009

Basset Kitchen Nightmares


Note to myself ( and other potential owners). Bassets eat a lot. In fact Bassets eat a lot of anything and everything. I suppose it must be something to do with being 6 inches off the ground AND having a hooter that can smell a crisp packet that was recklessly discarded by it's owner in 1973. Lewis (shown left), is a master of the art. Knowing my disgust for his culinary habits he now collects various items and holds them without chewing. He waits for that opportunity when I am momentarily distracted, gets a good couple of munches in then BANG gone. His current favourite delicacies  include chewing gum, bottle tops, lolly sticks, crisp packets (circa 1973 - it was a good year) and any and all food wrappings. He has a particular penchant for fast food wrappings. His two most recent side courses include a dead dove and a rat (which I hasten to add he found next to a lake near where we live. ) The latter was disguised in true Lewis style. Mooching about in the long grass my suspicions were raised when I saw said rodent's tail hanging out of side of Lewis more than substantial gob:-
Me " Good grief Lewis what the hell have you got in your mouth?"
Lewis " Got gothing gin gy gouth, got gar goo galking about?"
Me " The bloody tail is hanging out"
Lewis "Got gail?"
Me " Drop it"
Lewis "Gop got"
Me " The bloody rat dopey"
Lewis"Got gat?"
Me" The one hanging out of your mouth drop it NOW"
Lewis " Gits a git gup"
Me "Its not a fit up you bloody mutt drop it NOW"
Lewis "Get ge ga gawyer"
Me" I'll give you bloody lawyer,drop it or NO DINNER." 

Two things dawn on me, a) why am I negotiating with a Basset ? b) Why am I having a conversation with one ?  Any how having shaken the rodent free from the hound's grip, he looks at me like I've just thrown one of Ramsay's creations in the bin, wanders off and eats a crisp packet.

Monty, conversely, has a much more creative diet. He treats pavement nibbles with total disdain. Oh no there not for him. Sadly the fat we leave out for the birds, bird seed, the pond plants and any objects connected to the garden are.  He has also totally demolished the "super de-luxe double mattress warmer than a warm thing fantastic must have one dog bed." The effect of this was two fold. I had the major hump ( it cost sixty quid) and also the fluffy lining has created the most bizarre turds ever deposited by a Basset. His poos look like they have been carefully knitted with little woolen jackets, kind or ready wrapped for the winter. What was left of the bed has now been carefully recycled. ( Actually I made that bit up just to be green and trendy, what I actually did was chuck it in the bin). The end result however is that they are both now sleeping on blankets in living room and no longer have the luxury of a bed. That said, they are currently waiting for delivery of a leopard skin ( yes leopard skin) and faux leather dog sofa (don't ask) which will be the new receptacle for their more than substantial arses  in the very near future ! Watch this space............................

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